Grief Support

It was not just a pet, and you do not have to pretend otherwise.

Grief for an animal is real grief. It is also the kind people are often expected to get over quickly and quietly. Here are some things that may help, and some reassurance that what you are feeling is ordinary.

What grief for an animal tends to look like

It arrives in waves rather than a straight line, and the waves are set off by small domestic things: a food bowl, the sound of a car door, six in the evening.

It often comes with guilt, and the guilt usually attaches itself to the timing. Too soon, too late, should have noticed earlier. Almost every family feels some version of this, and almost none of them deserve it.

It can also be complicated by relief, particularly after a long illness. Relief is not betrayal. It is what happens when a weight you have carried for months is finally set down.

Things that seem to help

Saying the animal's name out loud, often, to people who will let you.
Keeping something physical: a paw print, a collar, a tuft of fur, one printed photograph rather than a thousand on a phone.
Marking it somehow. A candle, a planted tree, a walk on their route.
Letting children grieve in their own register, which is usually loud, brief and recurring.
Giving surviving pets a few weeks of extra routine and patience. Some grieve visibly.
Not making large decisions about a new animal on a deadline set by anyone else.

Talking to children

Plain, concrete words work better than gentle euphemisms. Died is clearer and less frightening than put to sleep or went away, both of which can attach themselves to bedtime or to the next family trip.

Children often want to help. Choosing the blanket, drawing a picture to go with their pet, or picking where the ashes will sit can give a child something to do with feelings they do not yet have words for.

When grief is not moving

Grief that stays completely fixed after several months, or that comes with an inability to function, sleep or eat, is worth taking to your own doctor or a counselor. Pet loss is a recognized bereavement and you are entitled to real support for it.

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please contact your local crisis line or emergency services now. In Canada you can call or text 988 at any hour.

Pet loss support

Talking to someone outside your household can help, particularly if the people around you are treating this as a small loss. Everything below is free unless noted, and every listing was checked against the organisation's own website. Volunteer-run services do change their hours, so if a line does not answer, try the website or phone us instead.

In British Columbia

BC Bereavement Helpline · PAWS for Pet Loss Program 1-877-779-2223 Toll free across BC, or 604-738-9950 in the Lower Mainland. Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm Pacific. A provincial non-profit running a grief helpline and closed eight-week online pet loss groups. The group asks a nominal contribution and subsidies are available, so cost is not a barrier. bcbh.ca

Pacific Northwest and online

DoveLewis Pet Loss Support · Portland, Oregon petloss@dovelewis.org Free groups, including virtual meetings, led by a licensed clinical social worker. Running since 1986 and open to anyone, whether or not your pet was ever their patient. Pacific time. dovelewis.org
Lap of Love Pet Loss Support lapoflove.com Free weekly virtual pet loss support groups, plus paid one-to-one sessions. Groups run at a range of times, including some that suit the west coast.
Cornell University Pet Loss Support Hotline 607-218-7457 Staffed by trained veterinary students. Hours vary by season and volunteer availability, and the line runs on Eastern time, so call earlier in your day.

To read and watch

OVC Pet Trust · University of Guelph pettrust.ca A Canadian veterinary college's free library of guides and short films on pet loss, including preparing for a loss, helping children, and supporting a surviving pet.

If you would rather not phone a stranger, phone us instead. Dr. Atkinson-Spinks was one of the founders of the Washington State University Pet Loss Hotline, which supported grieving families for two decades before it closed. Answering this particular call is not new work for her.

Call (250) 900-5335

A cat's paw resting in the open palm of a hand

The size of the grief is a fair measure of the size of the love. It is not something to apologize for.